**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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