Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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