if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
