do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
My first STD was from a foam party
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Randomize
