i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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