How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
