You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Randomize
