don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
