I think I just saw someone hide a body.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
