do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
