I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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