When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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