I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Just pee around me
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
