Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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