I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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