My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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