The maid of honor just puked.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
