My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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