my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
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It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
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Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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