It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Randomize
