Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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