you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
