So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
