Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
