Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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