at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
