I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
