theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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