Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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