Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
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When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
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Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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