when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
