how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
