What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
