Already got asked if we're dating
Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
