Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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