I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
