i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Screwed.edu
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
