It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Randomize
