his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
