oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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