I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
