So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
