this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
