i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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