I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
