I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
not ubering you a puppy
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
