Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
