At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
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