Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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