Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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