my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
