I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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