i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
