Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
