I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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