no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
