Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
